A husband and wife who have been married 120 years were doing some yard work. The man was working hard cleaning the BBQ grill while his wife was bending over, weeding flowers from the flower bed.

The man says to his wife, "Your rear end is almost as wide as this grill." She ignored the remark.

A little later, the husband takes his measuring tape and measures the grill, then he goes over to his wife while she is bending over, measures her rear end and gasps, "Geez, your rear really IS as wide as the grill!" She ignores this remark as well.

Later that night while in the sack her husband starts to feel frisky. The wife calmly responds, "If you think I'm gonna fire up the grill for one little wiener, you are sadly mistaken."


Sorry. Just couldnt help it.

Frank was excited about his new rifle and decided to try bear hunting. He traveled up to Alaska, spotted a small brown bear and shot it. Soon after there was a tap on his shoulder, and he turned around to see a big black bear.
The black bear said, "That was a very bad mistake. That was my cousin.
I'm going to give you two choices. Either I maul you to death or we have sex." After considering briefly,
Frank decided to accept the latter alternative. So the black bear had his way with Frank.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks, Frank soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another
trip to Alaska where he found the black bear and shot it dead. Right after, there was another tap on his
shoulder. This time a huge grizzly bear stood right next to him. The grizzly said, "That was a big mistake, Frank.
That was my cousin and you've got two choices: Either I maul you to death or we have "rough sex."
Again, Frank thought it was better to cooperate with the grizzly bear than be mauled to death. So the grizzly had his way with Frank.

Although he survived, it took several months before Frank fully recovered. Now Frank was completely outraged, so he headed back to Alaska and managed to track down the grizzly bear and shot it.
He felt sweet revenge, but then, moments later, there was a tap on is shoulder. He turned around to find a giant
polar bear standing there. The polar bear looked at him and said, "Admit it Frank, you don't come here for the hunting, do you?

A gentleman had been away on vacation for a week and had left his cat with a neighbor while away. Upon his return he goes over to get his beloved Fluffy. The neighbor say Fluffy's dead, She fell off the roof. The shocked gentleman says thats bad but you could have broken the news a little more gently like Fluffy was playing on the roof chasing her favorite ball and lost her footing and fell off hitting the sidewalk ending her life. The gentleman started to walk home when the neighbor said oh by the way your mom was on the roof chasing her favorite ball......

A man is in a restaurant when the waitress comes over. "What would you like sir?" she asks. The man looks at her and says "a quickie". Startled, the waitress leaves. After a while, she decideds to again, approach the man. "Let's try this again. What would you like sir?' Again the man responds "a quickie". Now upset, the waitress slaps the man across the face and storms away. Another man who has been watching this whole scene leans across and says to the man "You know, I couldn't help but hear you two. It's pronounced QUICHE".

MM

I shudder to think where this thread is headed.

If I start to lose my audience of teenagers at any point this year, I at least have some jokes to grab their attention and reign them back in.

Kidding!

S.

Susan, I asked my horse, and the word is "rein".
Nay to "reign" or "rain".

Might we assume, in the sweetest and kindest way possible of course, that you do not teach English?

While I have to agree with him/her, you want me to smack "carryin" for you, Susan? :-)

A Blond and a Horse

A blond decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons, nor prior experience. She mounts the horse unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion. It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slide from the saddle.


In terror, she grabs for the horse's mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse's neck, but she slides down the horse's side anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.


Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blond attempts to leap a way from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup; she is now at the mercy of the horse's pounding hooves as her body falls to the ground while the horse continues heedlessly.


She is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune... Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her dilemma and unplugs the horse.


And you thought all they did was say, "Hello."

No, you may not safely assume that I don't teach English; however, you may safely assume that I was in a hurry and in spite of the preview feature, I didn't pay attention to what I was doing when I wrote that. To make such a mistake and in a such a haphazard fashion is good for my OCD.

God bless the unsung hero... WALMART GREETERS!

(Man, those blondes get a bad rap.)

Susan, I apologise for razzin' you but I had a feeling you were an English teacher and just couldn't help myself.

Teachers are the real unsung heroes.

Goober, I'll meet you behind the big red barn at 3:00 this afternoon. That's when the big hand is straight up and the little hand is pointing right. Right is...oh never mind, just be there and bring somebody to carry you away.

I had that OCD for a long time but I got rid of it.

What I did was, every day when I left the trailer for bingo or to have a little sip I would need to check the faucets and the stove at least three times. One day I decided to leave the tap running alitle bit-cold, of course-when I went on down to the Dew Drop Inn for a few minutes. I was terrible worried, almost couldn't stand it, but when I got home all was well.

The next day I did the same thing for a longer while. I was fine. Started leaving closet doors open a crack, a dish or two in the sink, and gradually I quit worryin so much. Eventually I was able to go out and not check on anything any more.

I did leave some eggs cookin on the stove a couple of weeks later, so the trailer is gone but so is my OCD.

If I didn't have so far to walk, I'd be there ... give me a little more warnin' next time - and pick a cooler day - and I'll bring the beer .... that is what you meant by carryin' me away, idn't it ??

Is it just me, or does the name "Frank" show up in a lot of jokes ??

HELL EXPLAINED
The following is an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid term.
The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well:
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant.
One student, however, wrote the following:
First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let's look at the different religions that exist in the world today.
Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose.
2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over.
So which is it?
If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, "It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you," and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over.
The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct..... .leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting "Oh my God."
THIS STUDENT RECEIVED AN A+.

A redneck couple had nine children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband 'fixed'. The doctor gladly started the required procedure and asked why, after nine children, they finally made this decision. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in the United States was Mexican, and they didn't want to take a chance on having a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.

carryin: No worries. Everything's fine.

I gave a first-day assignment and now have about 85 papers to grade tonight. That's not good. Actually, it was sort of a fun assignment to have the kiddies complete. I asked them to write a letter to me, telling me a bit about themselves. I told them to list three "facts": two would be true and one would be false but just as believable as the two true ones. Now I am reading all the letters and marking which statement I think is the false one. Of course, many of the students are ones I don't know very well anyway--if at all--however, when I read the statements, I find them to be very tricky. I gave them statements about myself as well.

Example: Which of these is NOT true about Susan?
1. I once appeared in a television commercial for a local politician.
2. I hated my middle name so much when I was growing up that I changed it when I turned 18.
3. When I was little, my parents had a CB radio, and my handle was Baby Bobcat.

Even if you barely know someone, sometimes you can figure out the "lie" anyway--or can you?
S.

You would have never chaged your middle name!

I mean "changed". If we only had a preview feature!

I would have changed my middle name had my parents called me Susan Ursaline--or something similar.

A guy walks into a bar, orders a drink, gulps it down and shouts, "All lawyers are as#%oles! Another guy at the end of the bar screams, "What did you say?!" The first guy says, "Why, are you a lawyer?" The other guy shouts back, "NO I'M AN AS#%OLE!!

One more:

Two guys are scheduled to be executed at the same prison at the same time. A chaplain walks in and asks one of them, "Do you have a last request? The inmate says, "Yes. I've always loved dance music and would like to hear The Macarena just one more time." The Chaplain says, "We can arrange that." He then turns to the other man and asks for his final request. The man answers, "Can I go first?

Its not the middle name Tater. It has to be the CB. There are no known cases of someone having a cb and later going on to get any sort of education degree. Cant happen.

@ Tater, #20,
>> had a preview feature!

Now I *KNOW* I'll never finish implementing a full-fledged "edit" feature. Yes, it's a tougher enhancement than the preview was, but that isn't why I'll never deploy it. It's because if I did, I'd never get you guys to admit to your after-the-fact fix ups!!

And let's face it, it's too much fun poking fun at each other. I'm lookin' at you, Tater.

Hey, Susan! I have to go with #2 the middle name. You seem to be a very strong woman and quite capable of being in a commercial for a politician if you really supported them also My parents too, had CB radios. My handle was Prairie Chicken. There is life after CB's.

Kudo's to you for teaching English to the youngun's. It is an ongoing process even for us parents who want 'em to be able to communicate beyond grunts & mumblings. Not to mention the "looks"!

Frank: I changed it to "Frank." We have a guy here who is working on the side to pay enough into Social Security that he might draw it when he retires. Actually it was making the rounds dissing "Will."
And my wife who is a beautiful blonde, is just finishing college in web page design, and they have asked her to stay on and teach.
The only dumb thing she ever did was marry me 30+ years ago.

Okay Rodney Omatic, I promise I'll use the preview from here on. See no mistakes!

All in good fun, T.B.! You know we dig and respect ya around here.

How this thread has turned from disgusting jokes to the preview feature... OK my turn - back to don't read this - it is really awful joke time (don't worry - no bad words)

A bum walks into a lunch counter and sits next to another man who is having Chili.... he sees the man isn't eating the chili - just sitting there staring at it ... so the bum asks, "y'eatin that?" The man shakes his head no so the bum asks .... "can I have it?" The man shrugs his shoulders as if to say whatever .... so the bum takes the bowl and begins to quickly put away the chili. He gets about half way down into the bowl - when he puts his spoon right into a dead mouse. Well the bum immediately upchucks the chili right back down into the bowl. The man looks over at him and says -- "That's as far as I got before the same thing happened to me..."

E

>> no bad words
>> bum

ERIC! You said "no bad words," and then you turn around and get all politically incorrect. I believe the proper term is "residentially disadvantaged."

More politically correct terminology:

Road Kill: Vehicularly Compressed Maladapted Life Form
Vomiting: Unplanned Reexamination of Recent Food Choices
Cowardly: Challenge Challenged
Cannibalism: Intra-Species Dining

Nope, I didn't make these up.

S.

Politically correct is "urban outdoorsman."

Gawd knows you guyz have come up with some truly awful stuff here, but I have to vote for Eric's (Post #30) as the Awfulest, and it will stick in my memory far longer than I would like.

Mo, you did warn us!!

Ha ha! I love those last two, Susan.

Sorry Linda.... but it is stuck in my mind too... thus the reason I had to share with others.... it's kind of like those bad hit songs / one hit wonders... that you hear at the mall 10 years later then you can't quit singing it -- even though you hated the song. . . . Knowhutimean Vern .... (oops there's another one from a totally different genre - commercials)

E

The teacher asked the class to use the word 'fascinate' in a sentence.

Molly put up her hand and said, 'My family went to my granddad's farm, and we all saw his pet sheep. It was fascinating.'

The teacher said, 'That was good, but I wanted you to use the word fascinate, not fascinating'.

Sally raised her hand. She said, 'My family went to see Rock City and I was fascinated.'

The teacher said, 'Well, that was good Sally, but I wanted you to use the word 'fascinate'

Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher hesitated because she had been burned by Little Johnny before.

She finally decided there was no way he could damage the word 'fascinate', so she called on him.

Johnny said, 'My aunt Gina has a sweater with ten buttons, but her tits are so big she can only fasten eight.'

The teacher sat down and cried

Thanks a lot Colin, now I gotta implement a word filter, too...

Colin, I am familiar with a different version of that joke.

Unfortunately, it features the word "dictate" instead of "fascinate", so it cannot be repeated on the Board...

Homer & Jethro had a song named, "Let Me Go, Blubber." It was sung to the tune of "Let Me Go, Lover."

It closed with the line, "She had nine buttons on her nightgown, but she could only fasten eight."

A man and his dog were stranded on a deserted island. There was plenty to eat, and he had shelter, so there was no problem surviving. For a few weeks, everything was fine. However, he began to miss intimate companionship after a while. There was a herd of wild sheep on the other side of the island, and he began eyeing one sheep in particular. One day he slipped off and went to the other side of the island, and began to act out his fantasy with the sheep. However, his dog had followed him, and began barking, because the dog sensed that something just wasn't natural about a man and a sheep. The barking put the man off his mood, and he gave up and returned to his side of the island. About a week later, he began to have the same ideas about the sheep, and once again slipped off to try it again. Again, the dog followed, began barking, and once again put the man off his mood.
About a week after that, there was a terrible storm. After it was over, the man walked around to inspect the damage the storm had done. Lo and behold, he discovered a ship had washed up on shore, and a beautiful woman was the only survivor. She was in bad shape, but he took her back to his hut and after a few days, she was doing much better. She said to him,"I am forever grateful to you for saving my life. If there is anything I could do to repay you, tell me what it is and I will do it. Anything."

The man thought for a minute, and said, "Yes, there is one thing. Do you think you could watch my dog for a little while?"

Watch out for those sheep..they tell lies